Thursday, October 25, 2012

Quotes that resound with me

I was reading a blog about Elizabeth Edwards' book "Resilience." It's apparently a tough book to read, because it talks about the death of her son, her cancer and her husband's affairs.

It's also apparently inspirational in its ability to get the point across that there is no perfect life - it's all imperfect, and we need to do the best we can with it. That's depressing. But, it's true.

I wish beyond everything that I could take away an current and future pain my girls will have associated with this divorce; and honestly, I want to take away my own. To PURPOSELY make the choice to not spend time with my girls and to make them stay away from's more than I can bear sometimes.

No, it's not that simple, of course. I do know I've tried my best to make this marriage work, but I'll always live with the guilt of knowing that some parents suck up their bad marriages for the greater good of the kids. I wish I could do that.

I suppose second-guessing anything now is futile - what's done is done. I can only pick up the pieces and command myself to make the best life possible for me and the girls, when I'm with them. And when I'm not with them, enjoy being a happy person. I would absolutely want my girls to be happy in their lives - so why is it so hard to think I should get to be happy to?

This all leads to these quotes from Edwards' book. The first is from her. The second is from Leonard Cohen:

All that is in my control is how I live now. I could fill the days with fears--there are plenty of those--or I could fill them with the best joys I can cobble together.


Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in.

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

I have no title

It's been a while since I posted. Things are as they are, meaning they're totally in flux because nothing legal has been decided, and everything is up in the air.

Their dad wants to change the times he has them, and I'm adamantly opposed to any more major changes. It's just too much at this time. Let's address a possible extra overnight with him in, say, six months.

Also, holidays, the house, child support, daycare, etc. is all up in the air because blah blah blah. We all know how this goes.

It. Sucks.

My babies are adjusting well, except Sunshine was really upset last week because their dad picks them up earlier now on his days and they only got about 20 minutes with me before they had to leave. So I'm trying my best to adjust my work schedule (while not getting fired!) so I can see them for an hour before he gets them Wednesday and Thursday.

Please cross fingers, send vibes, pray...whatever, that our custody situation can be resolved in OUR CHILDREN'S BEST INTEREST. That's all I ask. If I seriously thought it was best for them right now to spend three nights a week at their dad's, I'd do it. But I can tell Sunshine LOVES coming home to me after 11 hours at Daddy's.

Sometimes I wish I could blink and have my girls be young adults - well-adjusted and OK from this whole mess. I just want to know they'll be OK. But alas...I would never wish away even a moment with them (even if they are throwing fits and avoiding bed).

Love and kisses to anyone who reads this and is or has been in this situation.

Monday, October 8, 2012

'I want Daddy!'...and other things that break my heart

Wow, my thoughts are all over the place this week.

Both girls are showing more interest and desire to be at their dad's. That's good, right? Isn't that great?! Then why does it make me feel bad? Why do I feel like they like him better?

Oh, it doesn't help that my 2-year-old has taken to saying "I want Daddy" when she's sad/not getting her way. I know it doesn't mean she doesn't love me, but it still stings.

I think I'm scared that he'll get them more often or something. Believe me, they're with him plenty.

Although this makes me feel a bit insecure, it also helps me feel like making sure they get good time with him is good for them in the long run. They say kids need both parents. Sharing my girls SUCKS, but if it's best for them in this sh*tty situation, then I have to be happy with it.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Wisdom from a friend

"Your girls will be totally fine. You will make it. You are stronger than you realize."

A friend who has gone through divorce with two young children told me this today. I think I need to be constantly reminded of this.

I hope it comes true.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Grateful eyes

Lately I've been writing down quotes that resound with me at this point in my life. The following quote is from a woman whose baby was very sick, and she realized as she cradled and stared at her son that she was finally taking the time to fully appreciate what she had and not be distracted by everything else.

"Amazing how wonderful the world is through grateful eyes."

I am even more grateful for time with my girls than before, because - as sad as it is - my time with them each week is limited. So I soak it all up when I can.

And given what I've experienced recently with my ex and an old "friend" who is no longer my friend, I'm much more appreciative...grateful for the great relationships I do have.