Breaking out of my 'fear box'

This whole past year I've been aware that I need to work on myself and really make changes in myself. And I have been, to some extent.

But recently a friend said something that hit my like a ton of bricks, and I FINALLY realized that only I can make myself truly happy.

So, I'm officially working on me.

One of the things I want to do is break out of my little "fear box." I've always been timid when it comes to doing anything that might put me on display. And I'm sure that's because 1) I'm scared of people seeing me mess up, and 2) I have this weird feeling of not being worthy enough to have positive attention.

Stupid, I know.

I want to be less scared of failure, and I want my girls to see that everyone makes mistakes, and that it's OK to accept them, if not even laugh at them.

This past weekend I went to see The Price is Right stage show in Oklahoma. My friend and her sister got up and encouraged everyone in the audience to do the wave. My instinct was to sit in my chair and observe. And then I thought, "What the hell am I scared of?" So I got up and joined in the fun.

It was a small thing, but good for me.

And overall, I'm just trying to do more things that I wouldn't normally do or that I want to do with some fictional boyfriend. Instead, I'll either do them by myself or make my friends/family join in.

Next stop: Harvesting wine grapes with my bestie. I have this romantic vision of doing this with a man I'm in some amazing relationship with. Rather than wait around for that to happen, I'm moving on and finding another way to enjoy it. Thanks, BFF.

I also have a few restaurants I've been wanting to go to. Gonna sack up and go by myself. :)

Have a happy Wednesday!

Being loved

Ahh, I just came across this quote and love it:

No matter how strong and independent we are, we need to be loved in order to live well.

So true.

Which leads me to an epiphany of sorts I've had this week: I'm in a unique position (well, maybe not so unique given the divorce rate in our country) of getting to start over and get it right this time. In other words, it finally clicked that I no longer have to be that woman who looks at other couples and is jealous that these women have a man in their life who loves them and proves their love often with little affirmations.

Notes...thoughtful comments and actions...tiny gifts...

I really want that in a relationship. It helps me feel loved to have tiny reminders. But it's also about showing your partner that you love and appreciate them, and not being afraid to let others know that. It's about being an advocate for your partner. It's about thinking about them in addition to yourself and wanting them to be happy.

My ex pretty much never did that. Maybe I didn't for him, either. Fact is - we weren't right for each other. Case closed. Moving on.

And part of moving on for me will be setting boundaries. I've lived my life wishing I could be with a man who loved me and never let me wonder for a moment if that loved had slipped away.

Divorce sucks. But one thing that is nice about being 30-something, single and a bit wiser is that I have the chance to say what I want in a relationship and make it count.

No more settling. No more doormat. No more wishing for something but not communicating my desires.

When I'm ready - I hope I can finally have that relationship I've always dreamed of. Not a fairytale. That doesn't exist. But I think a relationship of serious love does exist. And this time I won't settle for anything less.