The hurt

So true:

It will be a better year

I think I put a lot of pressure on myself last New Year's for 2013 to be the year. It was the year following the most disastrous one yet. I was sure 2013 would be when it all turned around.

Don't get me wrong, it WAS a better year.

The girls and I have made our peace with the situation and are doing quite well, although they have continuing underlying issues because their father has NOT made peace and can't figure out how to keep his nasty thoughts about me away from the girls.

Financially, sure - I'd love to be in my own house with the girls, and I even have dreams about it. I could move out from my mom's. Get an apartment. Rent a house. Buy a real cheap house.

But I want to do it right, and I don't want the girls to have to move a lot.

My goal remains to stay here until Little Bit is in kindergarten in fall 2015. I won't have her day care costs by then, and I should have continued to save enough money for a down payment on a house (I hope). To that end, if you're interested, I'm using this savings model, except I started at $12 in January and will go from there. I'm estimating a savings of $2,000 a year:

Personally, I've been dating a wonderful man, but we have a lot of challenges: getting over our own previous relationship issues...me having kids...

Nothing insurmountable, yet sometimes I feel like I'm working way harder than I should in this. If a man wants you in his life, he'll make the effort, right?

Anyway, so none of my parenting, financial or personal issues were magically solved in 2013. And there will be no magic this year, either.

But, I keep moving forward, appreciating what I have, happy for what I no longer have to endure, and hopeful that my heart's desires will fall into place.

Here's to a better year!

Know your worth

I stole this from Facebook today, text and all:

"Choose your relationships wisely. Being alone will never cause as much loneliness as the wrong relationships. Be with people who know your worth. You don’t need lots of friends to be happy; just a few real ones who appreciate you for who you are. Oftentimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth, but because we finally realize our own worth."

I remember lying in bed wondering what I did to deserve to be in a relationship that was so wrong for me. What did I do to deserve this?

You know what I did? I didn't value myself enough to realize that being without someone is much better than being with someone who you're fundamentally unhappy with.

Glad I finally realized that. It took 35 years, but I finally realized my worth and grew the strength to move on.

Here's to choosing wisely!

Dealing with ex during the holidays - not much joy to this world

I haven't written anything in a long time. I guess that's the way blogs go sometimes.

Not a lot to report.

We're entering another holiday season still not officially divorced because my lawyer drags his foot like it's his job.

Holidays are hard, because ex doesn't understand our schedule that HE agreed to and fights back whenever he can. I'm sure he'll pull some stunt to screw up what we've already agreed to. It's just his way. He pays no attention until the moment is upon him, then he gets pissed and throws a fit cause he isn't getting his way.

Like a 2 year old. Good God.

But all this aside, I have to remember that nothing is as huge a deal after the fact as it is at the time. So a couple hours here and there on Christmas day that I thought I'd have with the girls that he somehow manages to ruin - it's all a thing of the past a couple months later.

The most important thing is to shield the kids from the "drama" and just allow them to have a great time with both parents.

And for my part when they're gone - I'll have a bunch of egg nog. :)

Happy (almost) holidays to whoever's reading out there. Good luck with your schedules, and enjoy the moments you have with your loved ones.

Don't lose yourself

Why does it take some of us so long to figure these things out? This is something I want to remember. Do not let anyone devalue you or make you work for the love that should come naturally.

Breaking out of my 'fear box'

This whole past year I've been aware that I need to work on myself and really make changes in myself. And I have been, to some extent.

But recently a friend said something that hit my like a ton of bricks, and I FINALLY realized that only I can make myself truly happy.

So, I'm officially working on me.

One of the things I want to do is break out of my little "fear box." I've always been timid when it comes to doing anything that might put me on display. And I'm sure that's because 1) I'm scared of people seeing me mess up, and 2) I have this weird feeling of not being worthy enough to have positive attention.

Stupid, I know.

I want to be less scared of failure, and I want my girls to see that everyone makes mistakes, and that it's OK to accept them, if not even laugh at them.

This past weekend I went to see The Price is Right stage show in Oklahoma. My friend and her sister got up and encouraged everyone in the audience to do the wave. My instinct was to sit in my chair and observe. And then I thought, "What the hell am I scared of?" So I got up and joined in the fun.

It was a small thing, but good for me.

And overall, I'm just trying to do more things that I wouldn't normally do or that I want to do with some fictional boyfriend. Instead, I'll either do them by myself or make my friends/family join in.

Next stop: Harvesting wine grapes with my bestie. I have this romantic vision of doing this with a man I'm in some amazing relationship with. Rather than wait around for that to happen, I'm moving on and finding another way to enjoy it. Thanks, BFF.

I also have a few restaurants I've been wanting to go to. Gonna sack up and go by myself. :)

Have a happy Wednesday!

Inner Peace - I love this

I just love this meme. I've been known to pretty much break all those "rules." I seriously think I've been conditioned over the years to have anger and negative thoughts. I won't go into detail about who in my life has surrounded me with that behavior. And I won't say I'm not to blame for picking up those bad habits.

But I'm ready for the cycle to end - for myself and for my children.

Negativity, anger, judgment, expectations, worry, guilt... Seriously, none of that helps.

I think I may print off this meme and put it in my wallet. When my inner peace is lagging behind, a cheat sheet may be helpful.