A new home, a new start

I think 2015 is getting off to a pretty good start.

Granted, most of that is based on attitude alone, if you ask me. I'm determined for an even better year. And so far, 2015 is proving me right.

The girls and I have been blessed enough to live with my mom these past nearly three years since separating from my ex. But now we're moving! We're renting a cute little place just a few blocks away for just me and my ladies.

Yes, it will be hard being away from their Nana; they have no memory of not living with her. But we'll see her constantly. She can come over to help tuck them in. We can still have meals together once or twice a week. I'm hopeful that my nervous (and kind of sad) girls will adjust fairly easily.

Anyone else have experience moving your kids away from a grandparent?

Other news: I'm dating a new guy who seems really great! My guard is totally up because, well, I'm nearly 40, have two kids and haven't made the wisest choices in the past when it comes to men.

This guys is all in, it seems, and is so thoughtful. So naturally I wonder what's wrong with him. Could it be that he's simply taken with me and that I'm deserving of such attention? Hmm. Food for thought. ;)

Lastly, I have to say that I'm happy with how things are at the moment with my ex. Not to get into excruciating details, but basically I'm appeasing him financially in exchange for him promising a cooperative co-parenting relationship. My guard is up with this arrangement too, but for good cause. I'll take less money any day (even though we could use it) if it means the girls can see their parents get along on a basic human level.

I hope the year continues on this upward trajectory.

Hiya

It's been a while since I've written anything. Not much going on. The girls are adjusting pretty well to the schedule changes, although we certainly are having our share of discipline issues aimed at me/my mom and not so much at their dad.

Thanks, girls. Love you too. ;)

We'll see how things go once school starts in August and they're both in full-time school for the first time ever - especially Little Bit who's never been in daycare. Once the transition has set in, I see good things for them and their discipline/development.

Other than that, I'm preoccupied with two things lately:

* Can this divorce be finalized already?! My lawyer makes molasses look like Michael Johnson (or do I need to be more up-to-date and say Usain Bolt?). Seriously, his inability to call me back and get anything done is really holding this up. I'm quite frustrated, but my hands are tied. Please, oh please, let this end so we can move on with our lives!

* The other thing I'm thinking about lately is that Sunshine is turning 5! How is that possible? As of today, she's got three more days of being 4. A 5 year old. Wow, it seems so big. So "little girl" instead of "still kind of a toddler."

But, who am I to complain? Despite many setbacks and a ton of bullshit from their dad - which will never end, because it's in his nature to be a pain in the ass - things are going well at this point.

Let's all hope it continues.

Our last week

This is the last week of the schedule we've used for the past year. As of Friday, I will have the girls all weekend. Then ex has them for two days, then I have them two days. Then it's his turn for the weekend.

And, switch.

I'm not freaking out like I thought I would, though.

Perhaps it's the calm before the storm, but I've explained our new schedule to Sunshine several times, and she doesn't seem too phased, other than to say, "I don't want anything to change." But it was a statement devoid of much emotion. Almost rote.

She seems OK with the idea of having long weekends with either parent. But in the end, we shall see how she and Little Bit handle it when we're in it.

Cross your fingers. Wish us luck. This seems like the last big hurdle for the girls to deal with in the near future, so I pray it goes well - or at least better than this time last year when I had to drag a kicking and screaming 4-year-old out of my arms into her daddy's.

No. Fun.

Hope everyone has a great Memorial Day. I'll update soon.

It's been one year

This weekend was a first.

It was the first anniversary of the girls and I moving out from ex's house.

It was almost a carbon copy: Last year we left on a Saturday, and our first morning there was Mother's Day. The weather was beautiful. The girls played in their new backyard. The neighbor kids came over, introduced themselves and instantly became friends with Sunshine and Little Bit. I instantly became friends with their mom and step-dad.

This year, it was more of the same. Ex messed his days up and made plans to fish instead of have the girls Saturday, so I got them all weekend! Mother's Day was bright and sunny. We had an amazing day. The girls played with the neighbors. We grilled.

I couldn't have asked for a better Mother's Day weekend.

Because of ex's fishing trip, I got a small taste of what this every other weekend thing is going to be like (which starts in 2 weeks).

Wow, it's been a year since I've had a full weekend with my little ladies. That felt really nice, although I did want to hide in the closet a few times during Sunshine's epic "I can do whatever I want, and don't tell me no" fits.

Anyway, I feel like we got a lot of time together, accomplished some stuff and enjoyed the wonderful outdoors without having to check the clock to make sure they're ready for Daddy to come get them.

So now I've experienced the good side of every other weekend. With that, of course, comes the bad side, when every other week, they go with their dad, and I'm alone. But really, it's 5:30 p.m. Friday-5:30 p.m. Sunday. That's actually just 48 hours. When I think about it like that, it's really not that bad.

I can do this. And guess what? I can do most things. What a learning experience this past year has been.

While the unknowns still scare me, I have to say how happy I am to finally be getting to know myself as an adult - unincumbered by a toxic relationship and the ugly future that held for me.

Now - for a true, yet cheesy meme:

We have a custody schedule / This divorce is almost final

Yes, it's been a while since I posted. I apologize to my millions of fans. So sorry to keep you on the edge of your seat. :)

We had our last mediation session yesterday, and we've got a schedule. I kind of hate it. But our mediator sees it as the best option, so I will trust her instinct.

For those interested, it's called a 2-2-3 schedule and works as follows:

We have the girls every other weekend, from Friday at 5:30. When I have them, they spend that whole weekend with me. When he has them, they return to me Sunday at 5:30. So it's not quite 50/50, but it's good for the girls to only have 48 hours away from me (he wanted them to spend Sundays overnight too, but our mediator sided with me on that).

What concerned me about the typical every other weekend schedule is that the kids usually go 5 days in a row without the either parent, and we all agreed that was not good for them.

So during the week we'll alternate in 2-day chunks. If I have them for a weekend, he will then have them the following Monday and Tuesday (then I'll have them Wednesday and Thursday). The next week, we switch.

Make sense? Good. Your input is valuable. ;)

Anyway, here's the kicker:

Ex has been such a bully (our mediator's words), control freak, angry, obsessive, cruel, inappropriate and borderline psychotic person this past year, and I have a lot of evidence to back it up.

So the mediator decided that we will go by this schedule -- which allows ex more time and lessens his child support obligation to practically nothing -- but we'll start with a 6-month probationary period.

He will have to keep his anger and hostile emails/texts in check; cooperate with the children's activities; provide for seamless transitions without talking about adult manners in front of the kids; and co-parent in an efficient manner.

I'll document, and in 6 months, if things don't work, we'll reconvene. Here's to hoping he cools his jets, and the girls handle the schedule well. Oh, and that this mommy doesn't slowly die from heartbreak. :(

I have more to say about my thoughts on this schedule, but this post is getting long and I have important web surfing to do. So I'll leave you, my devoted readers, with the following meme, which is one of my many enduring themes this past year, and one we should all live by.



And now for something that cracks me up. If you've ever watched Arrested Development, you'll definitely appreciate this. If not, get ye to Netflix and do it immediately.

Checking in

Wow, it's been a long time since I posted.

I've just been at a point where I'm tired of talking about this divorce debacle all the time.

We should be coming close to the end soon (for now). We'll be going to limited case management soon to determine custody since we can't agree on it.

And he's trying to jack with my retirement.

All in all, a giant clusterf*ck.

But, one thing is for sure: This process has made me a much, much stronger person. I feel so much more like I know who I am, know what I want and am happy with myself.

On that note, have a great weekend!

A divorce update

OK, so most of what I'm about to say is more for my record than anything else. I just need to "talk it out" to get my thoughts straight:

I've been slow about updating with what happened last week in informal mediation.

Basically, we agreed on the financial aspects. It's amazing what ex will agree to when two lawyers basically tell him he needs to.

Anyway, we did not agree on custody. He wants Sunday overnights. I don't want him to have them. So we're going to limited case management where if we don't agree in front of the mediator, she will make her own recommendation to a judge, who will likely agree with her and make it so.

Of course, now ex is emailing me, pleading to "work together" so we can have a harmonious relationship for the sake of the girls. (As I told him - we can be harmonious at any point, no matter who "gets their way.")

But he has stipulations that, if I don't agree to, will derail all attempts at "working together." It is so tempting to go along with his ideas, because he claims that he would agree then to pretty much any ideas I have. Who wouldn't want to be able to actually talk things out regarding the kids???

But he wants me to agree to: Him having equal shared custody as soon as school starts this fall. (Seriously? Is the moment your 5-year-old goes back to school after a long summer and enters all-day kindergarten for the first time in her life REALLY the same time she should have to adjust to a completely different custody schedule?! Are you thinking this through at all, or just demanding what you want?)

Granted, last week he just wanted overnights on Sundays (he already has them two other nights and all day Sunday). Last week he also wanted shared custody in two years. Now he wants it this fall. And don't forget a couple months ago when he wanted custody exactly the same and told me he was happy with how it is, but he just wanted Sunday overnights and for me to accept less child support and no help with daycare. Before that, he was OK with not even bothering with Sundays yet. His "offers" change with the winds!

He also wants me to agree to: His mom watching Sunshine two days a week from after school till we get off work, and possibly watching Little Bit all day one of those days.

How does that work? So she watches one kid for a measly 1.5 hours twice a week (while her little sister gets left out of the grandma time) and also watches the younger kid one out of the FIVE days that she needs child care.

And who, oh wise one, will watch the kids ALL THE OTHER HOURS OF THE WEEK? We I pay my mom to watch the girls full-time. If she has her schedule cut, she'll have no choice but to find other employment. She can not watch them for free.

So again - what do we do with the kids the rest of the time? If we're lucky, there may be one facility in our town that will watch children on a part-time basis. But somehow I really doubt that I get to have a 3-year-old in there four days a week without paying full price. If his mom doesn't watch Little Bit at all, and my mom gets another job, MAYBE Little Bit will get into the daycare by my work that I've had her on the waiting list for nearly two years. But then he can't just opt out of paying his part of daycare. And again, who would watch Sunshine the other three days a week when she gets off school? Who would watch her during Monday holidays, inservices, spring breaks and all summer?

If his mom doesn't watch Little Bit at all and ONLY picks Sunshine up from school twice a week and takes care of her until 1.5 hours later when we get off work, I ask: What on Earth is the point?

Ex is trying to save money, but that would save like $30 a month. It's useless and actually helps nobody. What it does is leave Little Bit out and confuses Sunshine, who would prefer to be home with her Nana and sister.

I see what his point is, and I don't in theory disagree with it: Utilize his mom/parents, who loves the girls and are free. But unless they're going to take over full-time duties (that is 50 hours a week and only increases in work when both kids are off school in the summer), it only serves to confuse our schedule and make us lose our current daycare provider (my mom). And the girls have know no other childcare provider besides their Nana. Why would we change that for a measly $30?

Not to mention, his parents are healthy at the moment, but have big-time past/ongoing health issues that at any moment could land either of them in the hospital. We need consistent childcare. Period.

Please, any of you who read this, let me know if there's something I'm not seeing clearly about this. Because it seems obvious to me that his plan to use his parents for childcare doesn't work.

Happiness. Sadness. And a possible deal.

Well, as I mentioned yesterday, life sometimes has a way of bringing you back down to Earth.

While my troubles with ex, a custody battle and financial choices aren't trivial, they seem so insignificant when you consider the real suffering going on elsewhere.

Here I am, blessed with (knock on wood) two healthy girls, while my friends' only child just died. She barely got to live. Two months? Really, that's all they got to have with her? It's so fucking unfair.

Clearly that devastating news has made my divorce issues take a back seat for the moment. But I can't ignore them altogether.

Why, you ask?

Because maybe, JUST MAYBE, we are close to having a deal. If this happens (and there are more things to agree on that may completely derail this), neither one of us win much. We are basically in a situation where we can't afford to divorce without us both taking a pretty big hit. Actually, I would take a big financial hit for a few years in lieu of a bigger hit (selling the house and risking 50/50 custody), plus my name would be stuck on "his" house until he can refinance and get me off the title/lien.

But perhaps most important: If he and I can come to an agreement together, his anger and general mood would improve tremendously. He'll always be bitter and hate me (I don't care), but I could perhaps see a day where we could co-parent for he benefit of our children.

Should I have to compromise so much just to help control his anger? No.

But I ask you, wouldn't you pay thousands if it meant your kid(s) could grow up in a non-adversarial (or less adversarial) environment?? I think that is worth gold.

To end this on an uplifting note, I find this meme to be something I need to remember more:

Wish us luck

Another Wednesday drop-off today. How will it go? I sensed some anxiety from Sunshine last night when she cried to me that she wanted "to be 3 again."

Is she crying out for her old life or just being a kid? She seems to come up with sadness/nostalgia for how things used to be on Tuesday nights.

She's excited about dinner at Daddy's tonight, but we'll see if that equals wanting to actually go there and spend the night.

Crossing all my digits.

I love you, baby girls.

UPDATE: Sunshine started to get weepy right before we left for Daddy's, possibly because I mentioned looking at her calendar, which is a visual reminder as to what's coming next. I constantly reminded her that she needed to choose to be happy; turn her frown upside down; that I'd spend the next afternoon with her (bribery - I'm not above it right now); and basically I just tried to stop the giant waterfall before it started.

How do I feel about this? Sad that I asked my little girl to swallow her feelings. That's not the person I want her to become. But slightly happy-ish that she was able to keep from getting too upset. I know she was sad, but she was a big girl, waved goodbye out the window, and I hope she had a good night.

Sigh. Let me know when this gets easier.

Turning a corner?

After a very rough drop-off Wednesday at Daddy's, where Sunshine cried and was basically filled with tons of anxiety about spending the night, Thursday was awesome!

Yes, I totally bribed her both days. I told her she is always allowed to cry. But I wanted her to a) stop being mean to Daddy by telling him she didn't want to be there; b) not throw a big fit; and c) if she did cry, try to eventually stop and instead put a smile on her face.

She tried on Wednesday, but wasn't too successful. Thursday - either because of the bribery (her good-behavior reward was to spend the afternoon with me at work) or a talk my mom had with her about watching her fits/attitude - she was great.

Not a single tear at drop-off. Total big girl. And like always, happy as can be to see me in the morning, with good stories about what she did at Daddy's.

I want to be hopeful that we're turning a corner, but I've seen her do this before, then revert back to her anxiety/sadness about being away from me. I guess we keep plodding along, hoping she adjusts soon. Her dad and I don't want to force her, but don't we need to give her time (a month or so) to get used to this schedule?

Anyway, here's to a happy kid-filled weekend and hopefully a nice day with their daddy on Sunday. How I miss them when they're gone! It just makes me want to curl up on the couch with a mindless TV show and a cocktail (wait, that doesn't sound half bad!).

Creating good will vs. being right

Against probably my better judgment and that of pretty much everyone, I've agreed to buy two car seats for their daddy's car. I took our existing ones, along with their beds and pretty much everything else, when we moved.

And while I'm the custodial parent and I see no problem with this, he doesn't like it. I get that. He bought them brand-new, nice beds. At first I was like, "Fine, you bought beds. I'll buy new seats." But I have to buy them new beds soon, too.

So really, there's no reason I should have to buy him new car seats. Especially since I'm OCD and get the expensive Br*tax ones. It's going to cost me $400 - and they're on sale!

But, sometimes isn't it better to create good will with your actions than to "be right" about what's fair or not?