What an amazing year so far

Remember back in January when I said this was going to be a great year? I was right. The girls and I love our new place. I feel so much more whole now that I have my own home that I'm the only adult in. It's not our forever home or anything, but I am thoroughly enjoying it.

In my love life, I was dating a nice man for a short time, but since February, I've been dating one of my oldest and dearest friends who I'm so happy to call my boyfriend. Things are amazing. He's great with my girls, which is huge.

I can't honestly imagine being with anyone else. I hope I never have to be.

Things with my ex are the same: He's always on the cusp of being an a-hole at some point, but I don't play into his games. I suck up his antics for the greater good of having peace in our life.

So far, I'm pretty fond of 2015. I can't believe it's already halfway over. I want to soak all of it in, and I hope it continues to be this good.


Ain't that the truth!

A new home, a new start

I think 2015 is getting off to a pretty good start.

Granted, most of that is based on attitude alone, if you ask me. I'm determined for an even better year. And so far, 2015 is proving me right.

The girls and I have been blessed enough to live with my mom these past nearly three years since separating from my ex. But now we're moving! We're renting a cute little place just a few blocks away for just me and my ladies.

Yes, it will be hard being away from their Nana; they have no memory of not living with her. But we'll see her constantly. She can come over to help tuck them in. We can still have meals together once or twice a week. I'm hopeful that my nervous (and kind of sad) girls will adjust fairly easily.

Anyone else have experience moving your kids away from a grandparent?

Other news: I'm dating a new guy who seems really great! My guard is totally up because, well, I'm nearly 40, have two kids and haven't made the wisest choices in the past when it comes to men.

This guys is all in, it seems, and is so thoughtful. So naturally I wonder what's wrong with him. Could it be that he's simply taken with me and that I'm deserving of such attention? Hmm. Food for thought. ;)

Lastly, I have to say that I'm happy with how things are at the moment with my ex. Not to get into excruciating details, but basically I'm appeasing him financially in exchange for him promising a cooperative co-parenting relationship. My guard is up with this arrangement too, but for good cause. I'll take less money any day (even though we could use it) if it means the girls can see their parents get along on a basic human level.

I hope the year continues on this upward trajectory.

I'm divorced!

Oh, guess what? After 2.5 years of legal crap, I'm finally divorced! Granted, we still have to hammer out the details at a January court date because nothing is ever QUITE as easy as I'd like.

But for today, I can smile knowing that one part of my life is finally moving forward.

A pre-trial date

Pretend for a minute, if you will, that my divorce hasn't gone on for more than 2 years. Mkay? Great.

So, we have a date - June 30 - set for pre-trial. That means they'll discuss what our trial will entail and set a court date.

It's really all so silly. We're going to court solely about money issues. Ex owes me not very much, but he refuses to pay any of it, and my attorney is SO annoyed at him that he may reduce what I owe him. So, if I lose in court, I have a feeling my attorney won't exactly expect me to pay him much for the honor of having taken my ex to court. (An aside: I have paid barely any of what I owe him, and no one has bothered me about it. I think it's because my attorney knows that part of why this divorce has dragged on is his own incompetence and laziness.)

The bigger issue is actually that he owes my mom almost $5,000 in unpaid day care from when she watched the girls for a year. He refuses to pay, plain and simple. Because it's a matter of our divorce settlement, I have to go to court to fight for that.

Again, I don't see a judge saying he doesn't owe my mom. But if he/she does, then at least we know and can move on.

Oh, did I mention that ex is SO cocky and sure that he'll win that he no longer has an attorney? That's right, he thinks he can go to court by himself (he also didn't even think I'd take him to court, so maybe he's changed his mind and hired another one). My attorney assures me, in his exact words, that ex will "get his ass kicked in court" without an attorney. I hope so. I've been screwed enough. It's time for me to have a win.

BUT win or lose, I'm getting this damn divorce over with! I hate to go to court and potentially pay more money to do so, but life is short. Unfortunately, this divorce is not.

Wish me luck!

30 Things to Stop Doing to Yourself

I saw this today, and every single one resounded with me. Especially No. 1. It's the hardest to keep at heart. Walking away from a relationship that is not what you need it to be is SO hard. I did it finally with my ex. I hope I'll be smart enough to do it again if I need to.

#1. Stop spending time with the wrong people. – Life is too short to spend time with people who suck the happiness out of you. If someone wants you in their life, they’ll make room for you. You shouldn’t have to fight for a spot. Never, ever insist yourself to someone who continuously overlooks your worth. And remember, it’s not the people that stand by your side when you’re at your best, but the ones who stand beside you when you’re at your worst that are your true friends.

Know your damn worth, people.

http://www.lifebuzz.com/just-stop/

Where I am now

Saw this meme today, and as they tend to do, it spoke to me. Who can relate?

Also, I have to laugh after yesterday's post about having the night to myself and feeling great about it. Not 20 minutes later, ex texted me that the girls wanted to spend the night with me.

So, not so much on the "me" time, but I was thrilled nonetheless to have a bonus night with my gals. And - because I've made a commitment to work out every day for the next month - I went to the gym after they went to bed.

Yay, me!

It's all me!

Well hello, there. I had a fun thought today. Neither kid has school and it's ex's day/night with them, so when I get off work, I can do WHATEVER I WANT.

Not that I'm ungrateful at all for my time with my girls! But I very rarely can get off work and not have something required of me.

I'm going to exercise. Then I'm going out with a friend. Then I'm going home and watching the Olympics.

It's all me, and spending time on ME is actually pretty great.

Happy Tuesday! Oh, and go USA!

The hurt

So true:

It will be a better year

I think I put a lot of pressure on myself last New Year's for 2013 to be the year. It was the year following the most disastrous one yet. I was sure 2013 would be when it all turned around.

Don't get me wrong, it WAS a better year.

The girls and I have made our peace with the situation and are doing quite well, although they have continuing underlying issues because their father has NOT made peace and can't figure out how to keep his nasty thoughts about me away from the girls.

Financially, sure - I'd love to be in my own house with the girls, and I even have dreams about it. I could move out from my mom's. Get an apartment. Rent a house. Buy a real cheap house.

But I want to do it right, and I don't want the girls to have to move a lot.

My goal remains to stay here until Little Bit is in kindergarten in fall 2015. I won't have her day care costs by then, and I should have continued to save enough money for a down payment on a house (I hope). To that end, if you're interested, I'm using this savings model, except I started at $12 in January and will go from there. I'm estimating a savings of $2,000 a year:

Personally, I've been dating a wonderful man, but we have a lot of challenges: getting over our own previous relationship issues...me having kids...

Nothing insurmountable, yet sometimes I feel like I'm working way harder than I should in this. If a man wants you in his life, he'll make the effort, right?

Anyway, so none of my parenting, financial or personal issues were magically solved in 2013. And there will be no magic this year, either.

But, I keep moving forward, appreciating what I have, happy for what I no longer have to endure, and hopeful that my heart's desires will fall into place.

Here's to a better year!

Know your worth

I stole this from Facebook today, text and all:

"Choose your relationships wisely. Being alone will never cause as much loneliness as the wrong relationships. Be with people who know your worth. You don’t need lots of friends to be happy; just a few real ones who appreciate you for who you are. Oftentimes walking away has nothing to do with weakness, and everything to do with strength. We walk away not because we want others to realize our worth, but because we finally realize our own worth."

I remember lying in bed wondering what I did to deserve to be in a relationship that was so wrong for me. What did I do to deserve this?

You know what I did? I didn't value myself enough to realize that being without someone is much better than being with someone who you're fundamentally unhappy with.

Glad I finally realized that. It took 35 years, but I finally realized my worth and grew the strength to move on.

Here's to choosing wisely!

Dealing with ex during the holidays - not much joy to this world

I haven't written anything in a long time. I guess that's the way blogs go sometimes.

Not a lot to report.

We're entering another holiday season still not officially divorced because my lawyer drags his foot like it's his job.

Holidays are hard, because ex doesn't understand our schedule that HE agreed to and fights back whenever he can. I'm sure he'll pull some stunt to screw up what we've already agreed to. It's just his way. He pays no attention until the moment is upon him, then he gets pissed and throws a fit cause he isn't getting his way.

Like a 2 year old. Good God.

But all this aside, I have to remember that nothing is as huge a deal after the fact as it is at the time. So a couple hours here and there on Christmas day that I thought I'd have with the girls that he somehow manages to ruin - it's all a thing of the past a couple months later.

The most important thing is to shield the kids from the "drama" and just allow them to have a great time with both parents.

And for my part when they're gone - I'll have a bunch of egg nog. :)

Happy (almost) holidays to whoever's reading out there. Good luck with your schedules, and enjoy the moments you have with your loved ones.

Don't lose yourself

Why does it take some of us so long to figure these things out? This is something I want to remember. Do not let anyone devalue you or make you work for the love that should come naturally.

Breaking out of my 'fear box'

This whole past year I've been aware that I need to work on myself and really make changes in myself. And I have been, to some extent.

But recently a friend said something that hit my like a ton of bricks, and I FINALLY realized that only I can make myself truly happy.

So, I'm officially working on me.

One of the things I want to do is break out of my little "fear box." I've always been timid when it comes to doing anything that might put me on display. And I'm sure that's because 1) I'm scared of people seeing me mess up, and 2) I have this weird feeling of not being worthy enough to have positive attention.

Stupid, I know.

I want to be less scared of failure, and I want my girls to see that everyone makes mistakes, and that it's OK to accept them, if not even laugh at them.

This past weekend I went to see The Price is Right stage show in Oklahoma. My friend and her sister got up and encouraged everyone in the audience to do the wave. My instinct was to sit in my chair and observe. And then I thought, "What the hell am I scared of?" So I got up and joined in the fun.

It was a small thing, but good for me.

And overall, I'm just trying to do more things that I wouldn't normally do or that I want to do with some fictional boyfriend. Instead, I'll either do them by myself or make my friends/family join in.

Next stop: Harvesting wine grapes with my bestie. I have this romantic vision of doing this with a man I'm in some amazing relationship with. Rather than wait around for that to happen, I'm moving on and finding another way to enjoy it. Thanks, BFF.

I also have a few restaurants I've been wanting to go to. Gonna sack up and go by myself. :)

Have a happy Wednesday!

Inner Peace - I love this

I just love this meme. I've been known to pretty much break all those "rules." I seriously think I've been conditioned over the years to have anger and negative thoughts. I won't go into detail about who in my life has surrounded me with that behavior. And I won't say I'm not to blame for picking up those bad habits.

But I'm ready for the cycle to end - for myself and for my children.

Negativity, anger, judgment, expectations, worry, guilt... Seriously, none of that helps.

I think I may print off this meme and put it in my wallet. When my inner peace is lagging behind, a cheat sheet may be helpful.

Hiya

It's been a while since I've written anything. Not much going on. The girls are adjusting pretty well to the schedule changes, although we certainly are having our share of discipline issues aimed at me/my mom and not so much at their dad.

Thanks, girls. Love you too. ;)

We'll see how things go once school starts in August and they're both in full-time school for the first time ever - especially Little Bit who's never been in daycare. Once the transition has set in, I see good things for them and their discipline/development.

Other than that, I'm preoccupied with two things lately:

* Can this divorce be finalized already?! My lawyer makes molasses look like Michael Johnson (or do I need to be more up-to-date and say Usain Bolt?). Seriously, his inability to call me back and get anything done is really holding this up. I'm quite frustrated, but my hands are tied. Please, oh please, let this end so we can move on with our lives!

* The other thing I'm thinking about lately is that Sunshine is turning 5! How is that possible? As of today, she's got three more days of being 4. A 5 year old. Wow, it seems so big. So "little girl" instead of "still kind of a toddler."

But, who am I to complain? Despite many setbacks and a ton of bullshit from their dad - which will never end, because it's in his nature to be a pain in the ass - things are going well at this point.

Let's all hope it continues.

Pause, be happy

No time for hate

This is how I feel about ex. No matter the sh*tty things he does - and has done in the past - I can't bring myself to hate him. He is still a person.

Besides, spending my mental energy on hating someone? Nah. I'll save true hate for Hitler. Hating a person I was once married to and friends with seems ridiculous. I sure don't like him, but this chick has more to do with her time than waste it on hatred.

He certainly hates me, but that's his cross to bear. I'm over it.

Thoughts? Do you actively hate your ex, or are you ready to mentally move on?

The best revenge

So I just came across the above meme. It made me think of my situation (shocking, I know).

When ex and I first separated, and for many months after, I sometimes would make a point not to look too nice when I saw him at exchanges with the girls.

Why?

Well, I didn't want to look like I was thriving or happier or otherwise quickly moving on. There was a lot of guilt associated with the decision to divorce, and I didn't want to make him feel worse. So I'd do things like put on my new dress or nice makeup after I saw him.

Fast forward to now.

Ex seems to have it in his head that he's Mr. Winner in this whole divorce and that I (and my mom, who the girls and I live with) am struggling right now. He said he feels bad for me. Like I'm something to be pitied because I live with my mom and don't earn $1 million a year.

Oh, how wrong you are, sir.

The fact is, I am without things I would like at this age, like my own house, namely.

But I have gained so much in this divorce and learned more about how to make myself happy than I ever could have otherwise.

So now that meme rings true. Not only am I proud of how well I'm doing, I have no qualms anymore about showing it. My life is harder, but much happier on the whole.

I call that a success.

Our last week

This is the last week of the schedule we've used for the past year. As of Friday, I will have the girls all weekend. Then ex has them for two days, then I have them two days. Then it's his turn for the weekend.

And, switch.

I'm not freaking out like I thought I would, though.

Perhaps it's the calm before the storm, but I've explained our new schedule to Sunshine several times, and she doesn't seem too phased, other than to say, "I don't want anything to change." But it was a statement devoid of much emotion. Almost rote.

She seems OK with the idea of having long weekends with either parent. But in the end, we shall see how she and Little Bit handle it when we're in it.

Cross your fingers. Wish us luck. This seems like the last big hurdle for the girls to deal with in the near future, so I pray it goes well - or at least better than this time last year when I had to drag a kicking and screaming 4-year-old out of my arms into her daddy's.

No. Fun.

Hope everyone has a great Memorial Day. I'll update soon.

A quick note from me to me

I write things down so I remember them when I start to forget. This nugget is true in everything:

Take your time, have fun, and look out for you.

Being careful not to be selfish, it's important to remember - especially once you're a mom and become kid-absorbed - to look out for yourself.