Tuesday, November 13, 2012

My stream of consciousness today

Will I ever know what's best? At this point, I feel I have to either choose what's best for my kids short-term or choose what's best for my finances long-term.

And I know the two are intertwined.

Choose an even more angry, hostile, deviant, manipulative, revengeful ex...or choose to take it up the a*s financially so he can remain calm and I can - at least for now - not have to give my kids up even more?

When do you ever know what's right?

I guess the right thing would have been to suck up my boring, unfulfilling,stressful relationship and just not get the divorce. That's what he wanted. Why couldn't I make it work? Why do I insist on being happy when I know that I would also be SO happy not being apart from my kids and not inflicting this lifelong parental separation on them?

I know it's too late to go back. As always - I wish I had a crystal ball. Tell me my kids will turn out to be happy adults who weren't ruined psychologically by their parents. Please. Then to me, this would be worth it despite the pain.

OR, what if I end up a poor, lonely single mom who never finds a fulfilling relationship AND has my kids away from me half of each week?

Clearly I need a pick-me-up today.


  1. {{HUGS}}
    This is a very hard time. I'm in the financial woods right now as well. But I am happy and so is QT, I can tell he senses the stress is over and is a happy toddler. Yes, you could have stayed in your marriage, but what kind of mommy would you end up being? My thought is that the happier and more content I am within myself, the better mommy I can be...Something tells me the same is true for you..
    Again ((HUGS))

  2. Sometimes I feel like that's true. That to be a great mom, I have to be a great version of myself. And I have to model what a good wife should be. Then other times I wonder why I couldn't just fake it. But everyone says that's futile.