I was reading a blog about Elizabeth Edwards' book "Resilience." It's apparently a tough book to read, because it talks about the death of her son, her cancer and her husband's affairs.
It's also apparently inspirational in its ability to get the point across that there is no perfect life - it's all imperfect, and we need to do the best we can with it. That's depressing. But, it's true.
I wish beyond everything that I could take away an current and future pain my girls will have associated with this divorce; and honestly, I want to take away my own. To PURPOSELY make the choice to not spend time with my girls and to make them stay away from me...it's more than I can bear sometimes.
No, it's not that simple, of course. I do know I've tried my best to make this marriage work, but I'll always live with the guilt of knowing that some parents suck up their bad marriages for the greater good of the kids. I wish I could do that.
I suppose second-guessing anything now is futile - what's done is done. I can only pick up the pieces and command myself to make the best life possible for me and the girls, when I'm with them. And when I'm not with them, enjoy being a happy person. I would absolutely want my girls to be happy in their lives - so why is it so hard to think I should get to be happy to?
This all leads to these quotes from Edwards' book. The first is from her. The second is from Leonard Cohen:
All that is in my control is how I live now. I could fill the days with fears--there are plenty of those--or I could fill them with the best joys I can cobble together.
Ring the bells that still can ring.
Forget your perfect offering.
There is a crack in everything.
That's how the light gets in.