Our last week

This is the last week of the schedule we've used for the past year. As of Friday, I will have the girls all weekend. Then ex has them for two days, then I have them two days. Then it's his turn for the weekend.

And, switch.

I'm not freaking out like I thought I would, though.

Perhaps it's the calm before the storm, but I've explained our new schedule to Sunshine several times, and she doesn't seem too phased, other than to say, "I don't want anything to change." But it was a statement devoid of much emotion. Almost rote.

She seems OK with the idea of having long weekends with either parent. But in the end, we shall see how she and Little Bit handle it when we're in it.

Cross your fingers. Wish us luck. This seems like the last big hurdle for the girls to deal with in the near future, so I pray it goes well - or at least better than this time last year when I had to drag a kicking and screaming 4-year-old out of my arms into her daddy's.

No. Fun.

Hope everyone has a great Memorial Day. I'll update soon.

It's been one year

This weekend was a first.

It was the first anniversary of the girls and I moving out from ex's house.

It was almost a carbon copy: Last year we left on a Saturday, and our first morning there was Mother's Day. The weather was beautiful. The girls played in their new backyard. The neighbor kids came over, introduced themselves and instantly became friends with Sunshine and Little Bit. I instantly became friends with their mom and step-dad.

This year, it was more of the same. Ex messed his days up and made plans to fish instead of have the girls Saturday, so I got them all weekend! Mother's Day was bright and sunny. We had an amazing day. The girls played with the neighbors. We grilled.

I couldn't have asked for a better Mother's Day weekend.

Because of ex's fishing trip, I got a small taste of what this every other weekend thing is going to be like (which starts in 2 weeks).

Wow, it's been a year since I've had a full weekend with my little ladies. That felt really nice, although I did want to hide in the closet a few times during Sunshine's epic "I can do whatever I want, and don't tell me no" fits.

Anyway, I feel like we got a lot of time together, accomplished some stuff and enjoyed the wonderful outdoors without having to check the clock to make sure they're ready for Daddy to come get them.

So now I've experienced the good side of every other weekend. With that, of course, comes the bad side, when every other week, they go with their dad, and I'm alone. But really, it's 5:30 p.m. Friday-5:30 p.m. Sunday. That's actually just 48 hours. When I think about it like that, it's really not that bad.

I can do this. And guess what? I can do most things. What a learning experience this past year has been.

While the unknowns still scare me, I have to say how happy I am to finally be getting to know myself as an adult - unincumbered by a toxic relationship and the ugly future that held for me.

Now - for a true, yet cheesy meme:

We have a custody schedule / This divorce is almost final

Yes, it's been a while since I posted. I apologize to my millions of fans. So sorry to keep you on the edge of your seat. :)

We had our last mediation session yesterday, and we've got a schedule. I kind of hate it. But our mediator sees it as the best option, so I will trust her instinct.

For those interested, it's called a 2-2-3 schedule and works as follows:

We have the girls every other weekend, from Friday at 5:30. When I have them, they spend that whole weekend with me. When he has them, they return to me Sunday at 5:30. So it's not quite 50/50, but it's good for the girls to only have 48 hours away from me (he wanted them to spend Sundays overnight too, but our mediator sided with me on that).

What concerned me about the typical every other weekend schedule is that the kids usually go 5 days in a row without the either parent, and we all agreed that was not good for them.

So during the week we'll alternate in 2-day chunks. If I have them for a weekend, he will then have them the following Monday and Tuesday (then I'll have them Wednesday and Thursday). The next week, we switch.

Make sense? Good. Your input is valuable. ;)

Anyway, here's the kicker:

Ex has been such a bully (our mediator's words), control freak, angry, obsessive, cruel, inappropriate and borderline psychotic person this past year, and I have a lot of evidence to back it up.

So the mediator decided that we will go by this schedule -- which allows ex more time and lessens his child support obligation to practically nothing -- but we'll start with a 6-month probationary period.

He will have to keep his anger and hostile emails/texts in check; cooperate with the children's activities; provide for seamless transitions without talking about adult manners in front of the kids; and co-parent in an efficient manner.

I'll document, and in 6 months, if things don't work, we'll reconvene. Here's to hoping he cools his jets, and the girls handle the schedule well. Oh, and that this mommy doesn't slowly die from heartbreak. :(

I have more to say about my thoughts on this schedule, but this post is getting long and I have important web surfing to do. So I'll leave you, my devoted readers, with the following meme, which is one of my many enduring themes this past year, and one we should all live by.



And now for something that cracks me up. If you've ever watched Arrested Development, you'll definitely appreciate this. If not, get ye to Netflix and do it immediately.

Happy Monday

Hope all is well in everyone's world today.

As for me, I've been at work all day. I look forward to heading home soon, spending a few hours with my girls before bed time and then having some BFF time with my, well, BFF.

Kisses all around!

Trying to love 2013

I am trying my best to love 2013. After last year's shitstorm, I was hoping and expecting that this year would be better

But not even 2 months in, and SO many people I know of have died, nearly every single one of them before their time.

- Let's start with last week, when my friends' sweet 2-month-old girl died. The beloved daughter of two dear friends whose lives will never be the same.

- Today Sunshine's old daycare teacher lost her brother, in his 20s.

- Three weeks ago, my dad's longtime colleague was found dead on the hospital floor after going in for just some flu symptoms.

- On New Year's Eve my friend's cousin - a husband and father of three young children - had a heart attack in his sleep. He was 32.

- On New Year's Day, my dad's cousin's wife - who suffered from severe childhood trauma and resulting personality disorders - committed suicide by laying down in front of a train.

- Two weeks ago my friend's mom died of complications from alcoholism (liver failure, flu, pneumonia). She was 54. This friend, by the way, is related to the couple who lost their baby last week.

OK, 2013. We get it. Life continues to be a struggle. How about cutting us all some slack now.

Really, I am COMMITTED to "finding my happy" this year. It is hard, though, when there is so much sadness surrounding me.

I have a feeling this is going to be a 2013 staple:

Happiness. Sadness. And a possible deal.

Well, as I mentioned yesterday, life sometimes has a way of bringing you back down to Earth.

While my troubles with ex, a custody battle and financial choices aren't trivial, they seem so insignificant when you consider the real suffering going on elsewhere.

Here I am, blessed with (knock on wood) two healthy girls, while my friends' only child just died. She barely got to live. Two months? Really, that's all they got to have with her? It's so fucking unfair.

Clearly that devastating news has made my divorce issues take a back seat for the moment. But I can't ignore them altogether.

Why, you ask?

Because maybe, JUST MAYBE, we are close to having a deal. If this happens (and there are more things to agree on that may completely derail this), neither one of us win much. We are basically in a situation where we can't afford to divorce without us both taking a pretty big hit. Actually, I would take a big financial hit for a few years in lieu of a bigger hit (selling the house and risking 50/50 custody), plus my name would be stuck on "his" house until he can refinance and get me off the title/lien.

But perhaps most important: If he and I can come to an agreement together, his anger and general mood would improve tremendously. He'll always be bitter and hate me (I don't care), but I could perhaps see a day where we could co-parent for he benefit of our children.

Should I have to compromise so much just to help control his anger? No.

But I ask you, wouldn't you pay thousands if it meant your kid(s) could grow up in a non-adversarial (or less adversarial) environment?? I think that is worth gold.

To end this on an uplifting note, I find this meme to be something I need to remember more: