This is a big one for me. It took a LONG time to get to the point where I could look that fear in the eye and decide that my happiness was worth it.
Where does that leave my kids, though? What about THEIR happiness? Are they happier now that their father and I are apart?
They ARE happy. And I think I can say that despite rough times between their dad and I that affect them - and the transition of adjusting to new schedules - they remain happy children.
The only times they aren't happy is when their dad does things like yell at me to "Go away! Get off my porch! Back away!" right in front of them. (He did that last night. What a peach.)
In that regard - his ability to control himself - they are screwed. But, they were always screwed, because that's the dad they have. No matter the situation, he was always an angry man. Divorced or not, the girls will always grow up with a bitter father who has an inner hatred of himself that pushes out onto other people.
Anyway, through my fear a year ago, I saw a potential future that I will try my hardest to achieve:
One where I am no longer living with a controlling, toxic man;
One where my girls see me happier and in control of my life;
One where my girls can talk openly with me about the troubles they will inevitably face;
One where I can teach them to "find the happy" and not see themselves as victims of divorce;
One where I can have a happy relationship with a man and be able to model that for my girls.
Pushing through the fear, one day at at time. :)
Bleh... what a DONKEY! You are doing the right thing... your girls will benefit from it... when I watch LiLM dance around the house with bigdaddy singing her heart out and joining in on the 'group hug' we are so silly in this house... it warms my heart. We owe it to our little girls who will one day become little women... to show them we deserve only the best!!!
ReplyDeleteThank you! Sunshine had a rough night last night, not wanting to leave me. Ex had a talk with her about divorce, and knowing him, there wasn't a hint of delicacy to it. But Sunshine and I talked this morning too. While I can't explain to her that her daddy is an ass, and therefore I can't stay married to him, all I can say is we fought too much and we wanted them to be in two happy homes verses one unhappy home. Normally, we ARE happy - 99 percent of the time. I pray that continues.
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