Monday, February 4, 2013

This is today

Ex continues to try to scare me (it works) with insane custody threats. In the end, we'll end up in limited case management (which is like mediation, but the mediator decides the custody schedule and tells a judge). My lawyer says the emails/texts I have from ex where he blatantly offers to let me choose the custody schedule if I accept less money would - in his opinion - "sink him" in limited case management.

But my lawyer is also quick to point out that there are no guarantees in any of this.

And this I know. Ex may end up with 50/50, and oh our poor children. :( But I have to take that chance, because ex won't compromise AND is setting out this ridiculous offer to not pay any day care and not even pay full child support.

What choice do I have?

Of course, ex is throwing the guilt thing around again. That is was my decision to divorce...I'm the one who chose my personal happiness over that of my kids'...that I no longer can talk about "what's best for the children" now that I chose this separation.

I DID choose my happiness under the very hopeful, optimistic notion that regardless of ex's efforts to be a better husband (which he now refers to as "kissing my ass" - shows you how sincere those efforts were), we simply could not after 12 years suddenly transform this sham into a happy marriage. And why would I a) subject myself to that and b) teach my girls that this lie was real?

Even if we somehow managed to not fight often, the fact is I didn't love him. And regardless of what he says, he only loved the security of me - not ME. He had no respect for me in the least bit. It was fear, not love, that kept him holding on.

ANYWAY, if you chose to leave, how did you get over this guilt, especially during times when your child(ren) cry and ask why their life has changed?

I thought the guilt was gone...I was wrong.

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