Tuesday, September 4, 2012

Some wins and losses

Well, the girls spent all Sunday with their dad. For the past month or so, while we tried to see if we could reconcile, I've been spending most of that day with them. So this was just them and Daddy. And it was tough. The Friday before, Sunshine threw a fit and had to be carried in by a pissed off father. So needless to say, she wasn't looking forward to an entire day with him. And night.

There were two wins early on, however. First - no one cried at drop-off. It helps that it was morning, and the girls were still bright-eyed and fresh. So, no crying or fits.

Win

Then the biggest win of all: Even though he swore he wouldn't allow it, he let Sunshine call me. I got to talk to her and Little Bit while they played at the park. And they were happy as can be, so I got off the phone feeling as good as one can in this situation.

Win

This next bit I'll call a win/loss. Little Bit fell and got a giant goose egg on her forehead. Like, a big one. Bad enough that their dad actually sent me a picture of it. Bad enough that it prompted me to call him and make sure she was OK.

Loss

But then a few minutes later he sent a photo of her being snuggled and iced. And he said she was doing better. That was a great co-parenting move. Win-win for the kids and parents. Thank you.

Win

And then, at about 6 p.m., he let them call me again!

Win

But, Sunshine was bawling. She missed me so much and just wanted to come home. What must go through her head when I say she can't? I fear so much that she will have real abandonment issues. Dear sweet Sunshine - I would never purposely be without you. I hope someday you can understand this. (And really - when is it OK to take her to a child psychologist to make sure she's adjusting normally? Cause I'll do whatever I can to help her transition.) Anyway, I sang her a song and then asked if she could give me just one smile. She said she did, and it seemed to calm her down. And while I'll field those calls every day if she needs me to, the fact that she was so upset is heartbreaking.

Loss

So, here we are. After a nice Labor Day spent with my girls (I offered to split the day with him, because I expect the same during the next holiday, but he said he was going hunting. I don't think he did, which is fine. But just for the record - I offered.)

Neither one of the girls wanted me to go to work today. And I know it's because they're feeling insecure. How can I help them? I dread the moment I have to send them back to their dad. He loves them. They love him. But at this moment in their lives while they're little, the love me more. Children need both parents, but they need their mommy most.

3 comments:

  1. So glad you had some wins!!! I totally get those pleas to let them come home to you! I never did figure out how to move past it... I just had to keep repeating that daddy loves you too and wants sometime with you... And mommy will be here for you when you get home... Her dad often let it go on forever with tears and hysterics.... Come to find he was off minding his own business oblivious to what was occurring... I'd usually get off the phone and bawl my eyes out too...
    I'm so glad he's letting you talk to them tho I don't believe it's a privilege as much as it is your right.

    Oh... And good on you for offering to share the day... I did and still do things like that... I treat him how I want to be treated... Tho the same is not offered to me.... My last mothers day he kept her his usual hours...He seldom takes me up on any of them... But I believe it is good coparenting karma:)


    Hugs to you....

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  2. Ps.. If he's anything like my ex you will find they call frequently and whenever they want despite his preferences....because if he is smart he will realize he will damage their trust in him by keeping them from you. There is nothing stronger than the bond between a mommy and her girls!!! Nothing can change that. As they grow they will learn to understand more.... I grasp onto those teachable moments every chance I get to help my daughter understand her life and how to adapt to change. I come from a divorced family myself.... Just me my sister and my mom.... She did an amazing job so I am confident it is possible..

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  3. What are some of the things your mom did that you try to do? Sigh. This is so hard. I just want to take all their pain away.

    That's crazy about your ex off minding his own business. Poor baby. :( I know they say this makes kids stronger in some ways, and my Sunshine could use more strength in terms of handling change. I just fear it will make her think her Mommy is abandoning her.

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